Trust is one of those things. It's one of those things that we can know we should have, but sometimes it is hard to put into practice. I know God is God. I know He is in control of everything. I know that He always does what is best for His children (Rom 8), but why is it sometimes so hard to just let go and leave everything with Him? Why does my selfish human nature just want to keep pulling me back, making me try and take charge of my own life? God needs to keep giving me lessons to keep me humble.
Psalm 139 is just one of those psalms for me, one of those Scripture passages that keeps on bringing me back to reality:
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise....Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
He knows everything, even every word I will speak before I even know I am going to say it! Wow! If he is that powerful, and He is my God, then why am I so worried? Why can I just not give everything over to Him and then let it be there?
Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but I feel like we need an extra measure of trust at the moment. A couple of weeks ago, in my 14th week of pregnancy I had an episode which left us thinking that our baby would not survive. But a trip to ER and a scan revealed our baby kicking and flipping and doing well, but a large blood clot forming in my uterus (Subchorionic bleed). A week and a bit later (after taking it easy and not doing much), another scan revealed a very healthy baby, but a clot that was much larger. And as the weeks and days continue I find myself flitting between worry and hope and a rollercoaster of other emotions. It is very pleasing and a good sign that the baby is doing so well, and this suggests that the placenta is doing all it is supposed to be doing, but a large blood clot is not what we want to see!
So I find myself doing the old google thing. GOOGLE this and GOOGLE that. Stories of hope and some stories of loss, but I just end up in a knot. Maybe I should forget the GOOGLE and turn more to the Book which, though it may not reveal directly to me the Will of God for our baby, it does tell me this:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
We have these promises for this baby too. What a blessing and comfort! Thank you, LORD, for your enduring Word!